More sweetly than you ever have, the bottle of ethanol murmurs my name.
Craven is surrender, yet all the more foolish it is to remain in this hell
So I give in –
Liquid sizzling as it denatures the secrets lodged in my esophagus
The chemical scorching my putrefied abdomen, burning against my spine
Every trace of you now vaporized to a ghost.
My tongue and throat alight in flames and my stomach a graveyard, I return to myself to find close to nothing left
But you are also gone.
Category Archive: Berkeley
When I gain consciousness,You’re slumped on the floor.Blood pouring,Face ashen,Lip curled in a slight smile. I cannot bear […]
When all division disappeared
In three words
Yet, I am going to carry them with me forever. They are marked permanently on my skin.
“Yeah, I heard they’re dating.” “You can call it funny and I’ll treat it like it’s funny, but it’s sad and it’s ok that it’s sad.”
There was a point in my life where my mom was strong for me, and now I am strong because of her.
On December 13th, 2023, I embarked on a deep dive into my Instagram archives. I scrolled through countless […]
But before I can dive deeper into the endless chaos, I see a glimmer in the corner of my eye. Gone is the past. With a closer look, I can see two little green gems engraved in a golden ring, almost like brothers. The perfect ring right in front of me, something I never thought I needed until now. But before I can even check the pricetag, I’m gutted by the fact that this ring is not for me. Not yet at least. The ring is a prize, meant for someone who knows who they are. Knows what they want, where they want to be, and who they want to be with. Someone who knows the horns of life, but still challenges the bull anyways. The person who will own this ring knows how to handle life in the past, present, and future.
Taking on more responsibilities didn’t unearth me from the expectations I’ve been taught to assume since childhood. The burden of expectation follows me, regardless of my added work experience, relevant courses, or new extracurricular activities. It seems I’ve been lost within a growing résumé.
It was selfish, my assumption that everything would stay right where I left it. There is nothing that can take the last 18 years from me. But I have to loosen my grip. I have to let home change. I have to carry it with me.
Weights are heavy. That’s the point.
Today, I still stumble over Hebrew script and my voice falters when I pray on Shabbat. Yet, entering synagogue fills an emptiness in my stomach that ached as a child. I don’t know if it’s God that is moving through me, or if it is the strength of my great-grandfather, fighting for his life so I have the choice to pray today.