Writer: Mika Lynch-Lee

Editors: Jessica Yi and Alloe Mak

Authors Note: Contains spoilers for the film Pearl 

Ti West’s movie Pearl presents a character that exudes too much instability for me to relate comfortably. Someone I would be ashamed to see myself in, yet I can’t help but do. Pearl is a young woman living on her family’s farm in 1918, forced to work in order to help her mother and father. She wants to become a chorus girl, dreaming of stardom and living the life she sees in the movies. Pearl recognizes that her circumstances are holding her back and works to free herself from the burden of the life she fears to have forever. She resents her husband for leaving her to go fight in World War I and forms a bond with the projectionist from town while her husband’s away. She feels isolated after her affair. She is left behind. She knows that her dreams are far away.

There is always some element of a film that is either relatable or realistic. Some element that allows one to connect with the character, the story, or the theme. I love films that are unafraid to show the raw. Films that show people at what appears to be their worst, but are simply their normal. A normal that the viewer fears in themselves. Normals where someone is inherently depressed, or creepy, or mad, or insane. I see myself in films with characters like these. It is like my own insecurities and flaws are turned up to 100% and I can see what that would be like. Films are reflections of human nature and showcase a fulfillment of our own desires, the actuality of our existence, and our worst fears realized. I think that Pearl successfully presents a character that I reluctantly relate to.

Throughout the movie, Pearl sinks deeper into dangerous behaviors. She craves fame and an escape from her life to an unhealthy level. She responds by killing all the people in her life. She kills her mother, father, sister-in-law, and the projectionist from town. She kills her mother because of how she suppressed Pearl her whole life. Pearl’s mom never supported her dreams and forced Pearl to stay on the farm and work. Pearl kills her father and claims it was out of mercy, feeling tied down to her father but justifying it by freeing him from the pain of being paralyzed. Pearl kills the projectionist in anger when he shows concern for Pearl’s uncanny, manic demeanor and tries to leave hurriedly after dropping her off. After killing her father, she auditions for a role as a chorus girl and fails miserably. Pearl kills her sister-in-law out of jealousy after forcing her to admit that she was chosen to be a part of the troupe. 

I can relate to Pearl. Pearl wants to be a star, but if that’s what someone who wants to be a star does, I don’t want to be a star anymore. 

I do relate to Pearl, especially in moments when I felt like I wasn’t good enough to do what I wanted. When my actions made someone leave. When I was burdened with unwanted responsibility, instead of my own will. The feelings that motivated Pearl’s killings are not unnatural. I have felt suppressed, jealous, abandoned, and restrained. But unlike Pearl, I have never acted or ever wanted to act violently on those feelings. 

I feel ashamed when I get upset with someone who just wants to help. I feel ashamed when I lack the ability to be happy for someone else in a moment of their success or excitement. I feel ashamed every time I hurt myself or talk down to myself. Hurting yourself and rejecting help is one of the worst ways to live. It’s self sabotage and prolonged sadness. People don’t love the sad characters in movies, they find them insufferable. 

Pearl is an insufferable character. Insufferable has two meanings. Either intolerable and unbearable, or conceited and vain. People don’t like insufferable characters. Sometimes it’s because the character is so annoying that watching the movie is no longer enjoyable. Other times, it’s because people see too much of themselves in the character. I often wonder what the appeal of an insufferable main character is. Maybe it’s that they do all the things that we want to do, but can’t. Sometimes, it becomes hard to empathize with extreme main characters. However, insufferable characters are relatable in some ways. They may possess similar intentions,  dreams, or feelings. Even if they act in a way we wouldn’t want to.

What makes Pearl relatable is her self-awareness. She is a murderer. She becomes insane. She obsesses over her dreams. But throughout the whole film, she remains self-aware. In her monologue at the end of the movie, Pearl wishes her husband was dead and immediately follows with “I’m sorry. I feel awful admitting that, but it’s the truth.” Other introspective lines from her monologue provide the same self-awareness; “It wasn’t him that I wanted. I know that now.”, “I never wanted you to feel jealous. It’s an awful feeling…”, “the truth is, I’m not really a good person.”, “ I’m so desperate to have that”. And Pearl isn’t being manipulative when she says these things, because there is no longer anything to be gained. Pearl’s monologue is her first moment of honesty with herself and others. Maybe her behavior throughout the movie was insufferable, but this monologue shows they were the actions of someone who still understands their feelings, someone who hasn’t lost touch with reality, someone who is still relatable. The thing lacking from many horror films is the relatability to the villain, the killer, the antagonist. Many horror films do not seek to have a relatable villain because relatability to the good  main character is what scares viewers most. It is based in the fear that what happened to the main character could happen to them. Because the character is a “good person”, like the viewer. But Pearl decides to make the killer the main character. And in order for Pearl to resonate with viewers, to scare them, she must be like them.

And that’s what scares me.

Her actions are unlike anything I would do myself. I don’t want to associate myself with a murderer, but she has some qualities that I see in myself. I understand her pain. I see myself in her desire to be more than her life permits and fulfill her dreams. I see myself in her desire to leave where she is. I understand the pain of not being able to make things happen soon enough. Pearl ruins the one opportunity she’s ever had to become a chorus girl. She didn’t know she wasn’t good enough until she had finished the audition and not been accepted. I am worried that something similar may happen to me. What if I have the same confidence in my abilities as Pearl. What if when I am faced with the same opportunity to achieve my dreams, I ruin it too. I can see myself just as devastated and ignorant as Pearl became. I am worried that our similar fears and desires will result in  similar reactions.

The thing about self-sabotage is that it is more than talking down on oneself. Self-sabotage comes from a deep belief that one is really who they fear they are. The way one talks to themselves is part of the confirmation of those fears. Those who self-sabotage do not want to tell themselves they are great because, for some reason, validating their fears is more comforting than lying to themselves. One of the most relatable things about Pearl as a character is how she is upset by her own actions because it proves her right. She never let Howard see who she truly was because he was her only hope of leaving the farm. Though she resents Howard for growing up more privileged, she hopes he will help her have the same. Her desire to be loved leads her to cheat on Howard. In that moment, Pearl doesn’t feel like a good person. She regrets her cheating and her killing, but she is so scared because “What if this is it?” As she worries that her life will end where it is, she begins to feel entitled to the life she wants. Her prayers have never been answered, but there has to be more for her. She feels like a failure. I know the feeling of feeling like you deserve the things you’ve worked for because otherwise, what was it all for? What if this is it? I begin to see life as transactional. If I put in X effort, I should receive Y. When I do not get the things I feel entitled too, I, like Pearl, blame myself. 

“I’m not pretty or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I’m not smart, or funny, or confident.” When I feel this way, I look for ways in which I can be better, ways I can feel better. But the more I look, the more I realize the areas in which I am lacking. And I feel more like a failure. I’m not asking to be the best, I am just asking to be something. Something like “the pretty gals in the pictures.” 

I think the reason I do not want to relate to Pearl is more than her being a murderer. It is because her story is depressing. She works and works and dreams and dreams and still does not accomplish what she wants. Relating to a character has never been so bleak. I like the characters who make me feel better about myself. Not because they are worse off, but because they get better. Pearl keeps on killing and doing the things that make her feel like a bad person so she can try to escape the feeling that she may just be normal. She may not be a good person, but at least she might fulfill her dreams. 

The thing is, she doesn’t. Pearl spends the rest of her life on her farm with Howard. That scares me too. That all my worrying and comparing and sacrifice will just lead me to the place I feared I would be. Pearl shows that any character can be relatable. Even if their dreams are different or their actions are horrific. Pearl shows that a character does not have to be wholly relatable to make a connection. I think that Pearl not achieving her dreams left a larger mark on me than if she had been successful. It showed me an alternate path and a new fear. And the reason it stuck was because Pearl did have something relatable to offer; her desire to leave her farm and to become a chorus girl. Maybe Pearl was hard to watch, and at some times, insufferable. But she is just a more extreme version of something familiar. Did she set her sights too high? Did she have too much faith in herself? Pearl didn’t know the answer to either of those questions. And neither does anyone else. I fear that my dreams will lie forgotten next to all the things I did to try to achieve them. Next to Pearl’s ax lies her chorus girl dreams. One day too, my hopes may turn to distant memories and my dreams will turn to dust.