Mika Lynch-Lee in conversation with X

No one knows how X feels about others. So I asked. 

M: I have a list of names which you have provided through our conversation in advance, and I just ask that you give your immediate thoughts on them. 

X: This all, like, stays anonymous right? Like the names too—and even if I use the name in my answer you’ll keep it out?

M: Yes.

X: Okay okay cool.

We begin.

M: xxxx? 

X says: I haven’t known them long, she says, but I feel like a lot has happened between us. She deeply admires their hardworking spirit but not how they treat service workers. It feels ironic; the hardest workers you come across, she says, and you’re being rude. But they are super cool.

M: Do you mind being friends with people who treat others that way?

X says: I guess it depends how close I am with them, she says. I’ve tried to stop being friends with certain people because of that. But then I realized, if I keep running such a strict program, I won’t have any friends left. But she might be okay with that.

M: xxxxxxx?

X says: She has a whole album of pictures of this one. Opening it is a guilty pleasure and closing it is a hurtful goodbye, like giving up a ghost. 

M: At what point is it time to fully give up?

X says: She knows it was time to give up a while ago but, since she pushed the limits of appropriateness within the situation already, the only way to give up is to go back to nothing—and that scares her. 

M: xxxxx?

X says: She thinks this one is annoying. Just Instagram photos of weed and waists, a known facade. They haven’t been themself in years. 

M: Why do you still follow them?

X says: There’s always a notion, she laments, that a separation in one context is a denouncement in all contexts. Like unfollowing them means she hates them all of a sudden. She wants to keep things removed while remaining unproblematic. But when asked again, she can’t articulate why unfollowing the person on Instagram is problematic.

M: xxxxxx?

X says: They’re such a lovely soul. She is really close with them but doesn’t get to see them as often as she’d like. They’re beautiful.

M: Have you ever felt jealous of them?

X says: She mostly feels self conscious as opposed to jealous. Because, she says, I feel no animosity towards them for their beauty. 

M: xxxx xxxxx?

X says: This one likes her company and she is their friend but, then again, they think it’s okay to say some things that she doesn’t. And they remind her of a dog. But, she says, that’s not a bad thing haha, just what she thinks when she sees them.

M: Is this another one of those friends who sometimes says things you don’t agree with? How is this one able to make the cut of those you’re willing to be friends with?

X says: She thinks the idea of “making the cut” within friendships unfairly positions her as a completely righteous individual, one who judges others against perfection as opposed to overall values and actions. But, she admits, I do have a hard time finding people who share my values and that does lead to some self-compromising relationships on occasion. She has to reflect when it becomes a situation of overwhelming cognitive dissonance.

M: xxxxx?

X says: They’re the biggest loser she’s ever known and their initials are the same as the clothing brand with the racist uncle loafer. Fitting, though. They should stitch their mouth up. She sounds harsh but it seems they must be a problem by how she talks about them.

M: But you were friends once?

X says: Maybe they never were. They never treated her like one and she regrets she ever considered them one. Let’s ignore that part, she smiles, and start from the part where they’re the biggest loser of all time.

M: xxxx?

X says: Damn, this one hits her hard. She is going to miss them. 

M: What is your favourite memory with them?

X says: Maybe just when they stayed at an Airbnb together over the summer. She liked getting to see them without any pressure. She remembers their really sick shoes that she borrowed. More importantly, she corrects, she remembers how they made her feel valued in conversation, and how their stories were unlike anything she’d ever heard.

M: xxxxx?

X says: They are really scary and she isn’t sure how other people don’t see it. She feels like the guy with the alien-detecting glasses in They Live when she sees them. I avoid them, she says.

M: Why do you think other people don’t see them the same way?

X says: She believes it all comes down to the brainwashing power of a physical appearance. I don’t mean being attractive or unattractive, she says, I mean your style and mannerisms, how you live as yourself. And this person, well they’ve mastered how to live as others’ idea of what is cool. Maybe she should be impressed.

M: xxxxxx?

X says: They’re also a loser, but a different kind. She says they gave into their prophesized path and it’s an evil one. She tells us to watch out, this one will fuck us all over.

M: What should we watch out for?

X says: Anything which promises an easier life. They can’t guarantee that to everyone. And anything which ignores its own effects.

M: xxxxx?

X says: Oh, they’re great! This is one of those people you’re so grateful to know. 

M: What do you see in the future regarding your relationship with this person? 

X says: She doesn’t know. I was going to say I wish I knew, she says, but then I realized I want it to be a surprise like it already is.

M: Would you ever share these thoughts with the subjects of these questions? 

X says: With *****, one-hundred percent she would say it to their face. They should not feel comfortable with the way they’ve treated others. And with ****** and ***** she loves them so much, she would be quick to share these thoughts with them. But her favourite thing about all of this is the expression without association. My thoughts fluctuate, she says, so often that it’d be pointless to be sharing them with the subjects all the time. She only expresses her thoughts about another person to their face if it’s been long enough of their same behavior and her same feelings. 

M: One last person I want to ask you about. Yourself?

X: Oh, well… I respect my values and spirit, how I move through each day, but I wish I did more of my own thing sometimes. You know, like, find inspiration in myself and my physical reality instead of an online one. It’s easy to think that since you’re doing something unique compared to the majority of people your age, it means it’s what you want. But in actuality, the uniqueness is not unique to you, only to the majority. I end up only feeling like myself in the aspects of my life that the majority don’t see. The last time I did what I wanted without being influenced all the time was in middle school. I just feel stuck, you know—I’m not sure how to turn myself into a perpetual motion machine of inspiration. 

M: How do you think sharing your opinions more might shape where you find your inspiration?

X: The more outspoken I am about what I like and don’t like, the less I feel compelled to do what others are doing, even if those “others” are in the minority. I think it’s not so much because I’m figuring out what I value, but because I’m stating those values and I want to be someone who acts in alignment with what I’m saying. I think sharing my opinions will make me more selective of who I want to be inspired by. Like yes, you might dress well, have a cool style, but you are also hella ignorant online and so you don’t have to be a part of my inspiration.

We end the interview and X says she found herself hesitantly more open to talking about these people, but that there was still something not quite right about it. She tells me how much she has been influenced to believe that all talk is gossip and that the subjectivity of opinion makes hers less valuable. I personally wonder if that subjectivity is what makes it more valuable. But then again, I also wonder how this interview would have gone if X was a real person.