i have always been the second choice. 

my daddy would choose cigarettes and anger over his little girl – the red hot anger consuming him so deeply that he didn’t care who his fire would burn

i did everything in my power to make him love me 

dancing in the dark kitchen with him – my small feet stepping on his toes to avoid the aftermath of broken glass, swaying drunkenly to the overwhelming noise of absolute silence 

his big hands would wrap around my warm cheeks 

those same hands that shattered drywall like glass and tore my heart out of my chest everytime he raised his voice

but when he loved me i could be ranked higher than his ego

even if it was only half the time 

it was enough for me 

when boys look at me they see their manic pixie dream girl 

never really hurt – always cool and laughing and impossibly unoffended 

he sees the girl he fucks behind a big oak tree – its old branches almost disrespected by her dirt and immorality 

even in all it’s years it has never seen a girl so desperate 

willing to play this unbelievable character 

he loved the way i was only disobedient when it was sexy 

he loved that i was constantly high on life 

he loved the way i was dangerously unstable only enlightening enough to reach his next goal 

it was enough for me 

when he looks at her he sees the end of a romantic comedy 

swelling violins and love songs and grand gestures 

someone he would build a treehouse for – their perfect children knowing that their perfect parents have been in love for decades 

i was only a stepping stone to his final goal because it’s her

it has always been her

i just had to be crazy enough for him to realize it 

but i could never blame them – i would pick her too 

even if i had only been a helping hand on the way to this beautiful unwavering unconditional love 

i am happy that i could help where i could 

and that is enough for me 

i can be your genie in a bottle – where my only desire is to fulfill your very wish 

i can switch out variables of my personality based off of your mood –  i can change my hair and my clothes and my very existence to compliment yours

my only ambition can be to show up for you 

to make you feel seen 

to be your fleeting chaos 

i would give it all just to be yours

even if i am never a first choice 

i would rather be only temporary 

than to be alone forever.

Shot by Polina Washington