I do not want to watch The Shining again. 

If I do, it means I’m starting over. It means I have to introduce myself to someone new. It means I have to ask, what’s your favorite color? What music do you like? Have you heard this album? I recommend this song if you’re feeling quite existential. Have you ever seen The Shining? 

For a few months, I did not mind the idea of starting over. It would mean I had moved past my last relationship. A new experience was awaiting me with someone who would be hopefully better than the last person. During that time, I did not mind all the things I had to say in order to get to know someone. I think I preferred getting to introduce myself again. The quick rush of maybe this will last to the boredom of not having any conversation. I thought trying again would be better than waiting. 

Now, I feel the contrary. The thought of having to ask about someone else’s favorite color makes me want to cry. Imagining one more playlist on Spotify dedicated to someone who will leave in a few months. All the songs I wasted on them! Fuck, now I can’t give them to anyone else. And I know why I feel this way. It’s because I put so much effort into my relationships that it feels like a waste when they don’t work out. I’ve tried telling myself that “it’s not that it didn’t work out, it just didn’t last as long as I was hoping.” I’ve tried telling myself that there is value in relationships even if they don’t last. I’ve tried telling myself that each person I love teaches me how to do it better. 

But I’m tired. 

I’m young. 

Maybe I’m too young to weigh the pros and cons of a relationship. There’s always the option of being single. I used to think a long term relationship would be better. I wanted to be able to settle in, have someone I don’t question, someone I can love for a while. But then I thought about the negative. Long term relationships sound boring. How do you find new shit to do? And yes, those are valid concerns, but when you’re in a relationship with someone you love, I guess you don’t have them? My dad told me that it’s important to grow throughout a relationship. As long as you keep growing, there is value. That’s where I saw a problem. What if there is a mutual stagnation? Does that mean something is wrong, or does it mean both people are comfortable? I think the trick is to challenge each other, to keep asking questions and do new things. Go somewhere else besides the same boba place every week. Maybe then it will keep you growing. 

All these rules. I’ve spent so much of my life seeing relationships as algorithms. How do I let them know something is wrong? Or do I not respond? Fuck, how do I tell them? They’re definitely annoyed with me. They sound so disinterested. None of it helped in the slightest. I always thought confusion was just a part of relationships; miscommunication and calculated texts. I spent so long working for balance in my relationships that I didn’t realize I was giving my all to compensate for someone else’s none. I learned that it is possible to have a relationship without half of your brain running after the validation of an exclamation mark. 

I’ve struggled with the balance between thinking deeply about my relationships and focusing on having fun. I couldn’t imagine a world in which I wasn’t constantly interpreting someone else’s words. I thought some degree of seriousness was crucial in a relationship. I thought it was important to talk about the problems happening in your life. I listened to someone else talk about balance in relationships, and their advice was to not tell your partner about everything going wrong in your life. They let their partner know if something is wrong so that they’re not left in the dark, but won’t tell them all the details. This allows for independence and a lack of relying on the other person to problem solve.

Hearing this changed my entire perspective on relationships. I realized how much I tended to share in relationships and how that made things all the more stressful. The other advice I heard was to see your partner as a comfortable place to keep separate from your problems. I think this mindset is healthy because it doesn’t lead to a dependence on someone, which I’ve dealt with before. Relationships start feeling exhausting when you’re given the chore of problem solving for someone else. I support confiding in one’s partner, but I think keeping some feelings to yourself is a valuable skill which helps in the long run. I used to believe that relationships required deep thinking and that telling your partner about your problems was important. Now, I believe that independence is the key to a healthy relationship and therefore, not everything needs to be shared. Now I have fun and enjoy my relationships for what they are. And what it seems to be now is a genuine affection for the other person which will endure. 

I know I will rewatch The Shining more throughout my life, but it is not my favorite movie anymore. I think of that movie as a part of the time in my life when I didn’t recognize the value of my independence. As Jack Torrance was secluded in the Overlook Hotel and trapped in his mind, I too was shut into the idea of thinking of relationships seriously. Much like Jack, that part of me died, but my spirit did not. I still care about my relationships and I still know the value of communication. But now, I care about preserving independence for the sake of my own problem solving abilities.

The reason starting over always felt hard was because I felt like I was taking steps backwards. It felt like point A was my favorite color is green and point D was will you go out with me and that it was all about measuring displacement. The further you were from the start, the better you were doing. It’s more like a poem—you can repeat the A rhyme ten times, but it will be a different story. You can make it to G and sometimes only make it to B over and over, but each time it gets better and you learn what to look for. I didn’t realize how much control one actually has. I didn’t realize that it matters if I like who I am with, and it’s not a random bout of chance fated upon me. The more you repeat, the more you learn. I’m not scared to introduce myself again. The next person will be even better. And I can show them my new favorite movie instead of repeating the past.