By Marie-Elena LeBlanc Bellissimo
Edited by Ellena Lu and Alloe Mak

The day my dad’s best friend died was the day I decided I hated god.

3 am
The ringing of the phone isn’t what woke me up
I had never heard my father cry like that
Gasping for air
I never got out of bed
But I knew
I knew only true loss could pull that sound from him

He had been sick for weeks,
hooked onto a ventilator
and his wife –
She had lost everything:
Her father, mother, brother
She couldn’t lose her soulmate too
You wouldn’t let that happen, god
would you?
Especially not if I prayed
And oh, I prayed.

I prayed every morning and night
I trusted you
to make him better
and you let me down.
god, you are a selfish little boy
You killed a man
and you made my dad sad.

I don’t remember the funeral
I was only twelve at the time
I remember that his mother was there
A lovely Italian woman
beautiful with age
She had been a mother on Sunday
and by Monday her baby was gone
She cried and squeezed my hand tight, although we had never met
I don’t even think she knew who I was
But I was the closest thing
To bringing her motherhood back
I let her hug me until my ribs hurt.

god, you are a selfish little boy
I hope you still feel bad
for killing Mary’s baby
and for making my dad cry
and I hope it hurts you real good to know
that I don’t like you anymore.