When I got back from DC, I had reassembled my thoughts.While I was still into [film guy], I think I had come to terms that he probably wasn’t into me and I had a better chance with [art boy] (whose estimation had shot up after a week of not talking). 

reading this back is so interesting because i have this insane breakdown about this guy getting a girlfriend, when at the beginning i didn’t even want him that badly!

Once I got back I asked if he wanted to go to the Nature Center, an activity we had talked about (and I had fantasized about), but had never actually gone through with. The answer was no pretty immediately–he said he had to do summer homework. 

which, by the way, is an INSANE excuse.

It was the day after summer homework was due, so of course there were suspicions, but they were fleeting. Then he started texting really formally, 

in retrospect, very funny. why are you, a teenage boy, texting me in full sentences with capital letters, periods, and proper syntax?

 and the voice messages stopped. 

potentially the most devastating part of this failed talking stage…

Maybe he’s just busy. During the summer? It’s your fault. You didn’t make him feel wanted. Over and over, pummeling thoughts and reasoning pleas with myself. 

to be fair, this was incredibly dramatic of me. 

School started and something was definitely off on text. On the second day of school [club president]  and I were in Ms. Schulte’s room, facing her wall-covering window that showed me you and [bangs girl], too close, too smiley. And an instant punch in the gut.

i read this and i still remember the exact feeling. being 16 with a crush can feel earth shattering!

Boys and girls can be friends, but not you and her.

both the people in this story have since come out as non-binary, but that’s just going to high school in los angeles.

The next day, laughing in APES and telling [lovely friend #1] I got played by a white man–you know [art boy], in Art? Yeah, him. 

a little discussed side effect of going to a high school with a strong arts program is that there will be a pre-made roster of readily available hot people who will manipulate you!

Meeting [lovely friend #1] and [lovely friend #2] late for lunch, and the look on [lovely friend #2]’s face when she tells me [art boy] and [bangs girl]  were eating lunch together. [lovely friend #3]’s face, sympathetic and pained as I tell her about it, laughing.

Later on, making unfortunately timed small talk with [art boy’s best friend]. God, I hope you talk about me as much as you say you did. [lovely friend #4] later on at a Coraline showing, telling me she gets it, she used to like him and she had to hear about all the girls he liked, the beautiful and talented and white girls I would never be. 

i could attribute this to going to high school in LA, where half your peers look like models and the other half actually are models. but honestly, this had nothing to do with where i went to school and everything to do with me. the idea that “the white girl always wins” stuck with me for a while after this–it hurts to never be chosen.

“Yeah, I heard they’re dating.” “You can call it funny and I’ll treat it like it’s funny, but it’s sad and it’s ok that it’s sad.”

something lovely friend #3 said to me that still impacts me to this day. sometimes you have to be okay with things being sad! this was a big part of maturing and growing up for me.

 I hate that it still feels like a punch in the gut when I see you and that you’re in the back of my head whenever I talk to [bangs girl], and that I still feel like I have something to prove to you. I hate that you avoid eye contact with me and that you defiled Savior Complex and Howl’s Moving Castle and Hozier.

i still associate all of these things with art boy, and i probably will for a while. i think it’s kind of beautiful (and a little annoying) that such seemingly random things can hold such strong echoes of the past.

I hate that I still cry about it after five months, and that I may cry about it for another five.

i did indeed cry about it for another five months! a couple months after art boy and bangs girl broke up, we went on a few dates (i know, i know), which ended in emotional turmoil for me when art boy started hooking up with one of my friends. while it hurt a lot to go through, the experience taught me so much about love and relationships and respecting myself! i’m glad i made the mistake then so i could learn and grow from it. 18-year old Caitlin says thank you!

I hope you feel awful.

there is absolutely no way that he felt awful, and that’s okay!reading this final sentence back makes me eternally grateful that i wrote in my journal instead of texting him something heinous. this is another reason that i keep returning to my journal: reading back my pained entries with a matured eye has demonstrated to me time and time again how quickly emotions fade. at the time, this failed romantic venture seemed all-consuming. now, i can look back at this experience, laugh at and sympathize with myself, and carry the lessons i learned into the future.