Artwork by Leo Pinheiro
I threw so many tantrums when I was a kid.
My parents never understood why I was so frustrated. Fair, I don’t think I understood either – I just had big feelings.
Feeling that would only find their way out by screaming my throat raw, through bruises on my knees and strands of pulled hair.
I’d crawl under the bed, where shoe boxes lay and big dust bunnies would find their way into my hair.
My parents would wait it out
Looking out the window to see if lighting still struck
Until there were only spitting drops
I’d try to pick up the pieces in tears
Snot clogged nose
Controlled whimpers
Picking up cutting edges of glass
With baby hands
I made my mom cry
Because of stupid blueberries
Dust bunnies in my hair
Because id crawl under the bed
Where shoe boxes and my to be christmas presents lay
After outburst
Storms
That id have to maintain myself
That my parents would just have to wait out
Id pick up the pieces in tears
Snot clogged nose
Controlled whimpers
Picking up cutting edges of glass
With baby hands
Id try to clean up
My defeated parents barging in
To clean up after my anger
Guilt settled in
Curling up as a ball in my chest
Like parasitic worms
Unable to find a way out
My baby hands held words of apologies
Unable to find a way out
I tried to eat them up
Shoving them in my mouth
But the ball remains
The grip still strong
No matter what
Unable to find a way out
Some days
The ball swells up
And I wake up
A malignant mass
I clean the kitchen
Put the dishes away
I fold the laundry
Straighten the skincare
The ball shrinks in size
I remember my baby hands trying to do the same
And realize
Ive been trying to clean up ever since
My mom would pick the dust bunnies out of my hair
While a malignant mass was unable to find its way out of my chest
Repressed whimpers still in my throat
Arms crossed
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