you are the

cold and frigid;

winter air.

deprived of warmth and

dry on my skin-flaking neck.

i am not one to 

cower away from the touch of air,

it is a necessity, after all.

but now i want to block off all my pores,

and hold my breath forever.

you took my clean warm air,

and polluted it. 

threw in all the toxic junk you could muster

and left it to decompose;

turning my air, my sweet breaths

into your glacial, suffocating mess.  

and you lied while doing so,

said autumn fading away wouldn’t mean that winter will come

–though i knew there was no delaying the inevitable–

you said you would force the warmth into your breath,

said you wouldn’t turn into something evil and cold.

alas, 

i watched as our promises came unpromised,

i watched as you unloaded piles of toxins for me to filter through,

i watched as you withdrew the warmth from my air,

and left me to suffocate, begging you to come back.

you do not understand.

you are everywhere and i

need you to breathe,

i need you to survive,

even if it means my throat will clog up,

and my lungs will begin to burn.

and if i leave,

i break, my head pounds,

my heart cries, my vision blurs.

so every time, on hands and knees, 

i crawl back to you.

to my winter air,

to my toxins,

and allow myself to be held by you

even if this is self-sabotage. 

i cling on the hope of the promises we had,

onto the hope of my winter turning into spring.

in the end,

its all the same.

you will not change. 

and i will continue to suffocate.

i don’t breathe, i die.

i breathe, i die.