“Am I doing enough?” asks the burden of expectation.

We are taught to emulate the American ideal: the individual who works until they physically can’t anymore. The corporate girlboss. The monetized creator. 

It is always profitable to do more. 

In my back pocket sits the expectations of my parents, the expectations of my teachers, the expectations of my own. The expectation to achieve and to succeed. 

We are taught to aspire to superwoman. The mom who works a full time job and still makes her kids’ lunches every morning after hot yoga. The student pursuing medical school who’s also dedicated to their indie pop band afterhours. A multifaceted individual is an ever flowing body of energy. 

There is always time for one more hobby, one more responsibility, one more passion. 

I can be superwoman. I can type well into the night, fall into a hazy sleep, and prevail when the sun rises without a complaint or care. I can create in my spare time, not hindered by the stressors that come with my education’s primacy. It is always possible to do more, to stretch my limits one notch further. 

So I continue to add to my repertoire. Why not? I join another club, take another class, make more friends, more hobbies, and develop more passions. Stretched to the limit, my days feel more full and my time more valuable. I focus on prioritization, creating a hierarchy of tasks based on what feels the most urgent. “Go to sleep” is scheduled into my Calendar app, because functioning means planning every moment of my time. Overwhelmed and overworked only begins to cover it. 

Though my eyes shut when I finally slide under the covers at night, my brain continues to run, sprinting as if the finish line is in sight, though truly it is nowhere to be seen. It turns out you can’t just fall asleep at 12 am because your phone dings with a reminder 10 minutes before. Does everyone else live like this? Does everyone else function in a constant state of stress? How can one continue? 

“Am I doing enough?” repeats the burden of expectation.

Taking on more responsibilities didn’t unearth me from the expectations I’ve been taught to assume since childhood. The burden of expectation follows me, regardless of my added work experience, relevant courses, or new extracurricular activities. It seems I’ve been lost within a growing résumé. 

I ask again, “when will more be enough?” 

Will the burden of expectation ever be lifted by the weight of reality.